I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
