Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
