Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
