Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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