I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
