I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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