I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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