My hand turned me down
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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