So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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