woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Can you repeat that, but with context?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
