Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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