she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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