Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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