I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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