there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
