No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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