I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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