I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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