did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
