Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
