Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
