Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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