i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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