my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Even the bartender felt bad for me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
