I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You ruined the universe
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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