you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
