Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
