I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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