can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
