I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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