I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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