I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
send nudes
from the living room?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
