I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
