If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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