worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
