Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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