The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
