whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
