i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
