I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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