I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
