My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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