I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
