How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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