My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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