He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
