Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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