she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
