I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
