Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
