she was so not down for the gang bang
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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