Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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