I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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