yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
