I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
