every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
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