Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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