i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
