Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
