i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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