you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
