so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
