god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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