the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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